10/12/14 Prepping

    

Prepping for "Aperçu" has been difficult. Daily ups and downs, balancing of work. I desperately wanted to go in to work early this morning, but felt too much internal chaos would follow if I abandoned the painting schedule I have set for myself. Painting brings peace and joy for the rest of the day - I find myself calmer in the midst of the turmoils that can happen, interactions and decisions. Seems worth it to miss a meeting that is not mandatory although I also dearly miss the presence of the community. It is stressful, very, yet also seems to be part of the process.  

10/2/14 Purpose

As an art maker, there’s a definition of life’s purpose that has troubled me for quite a while. It is often quoted as, "Your life's purpose is the place where your deepest gladness meets the world's greatest need." I have always counted the greatest needs of the world as being poverty, especially of women and children, inequity in education, the crying need for decent health care worldwide, and increasingly, the need to stop the desecration of this island home we call Earth. How can deep gladness matter when there’s so much incomparably great need?

It’s been a catch-22, and in the end, an impossible problem. Instead, I have begun thinking of art as a way to be with the need, to give way to it, to cry out, to be heard, to give voice through the mystery and enigma of color, the relationships of everything to each other thing both on and off the page. In the midst of and within so much need, art inquires and demands of the world and of self the meaning that comes in making.

There is a different wording of Buechner's quote that works better for me: “The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet," Being called brings to mind a subtle shift in an understanding of purpose; being called and responding to that call becomes the purpose itself. The quote becomes less didactic and more poetic, more open to possibility, more available to life as it is lived rather than a structure in which to exist. It opens up the possibility of the meaning and purpose of making art.

 

 

 

3/19/14 For the first time

It's only 8:00 a.m. and I've done chores, had tea and laid out what I think of as my first painting for my show next November. We'll see how that goes!

I've noticed a verrrry slow process lately. I get to my studio, do the first task of the day, whatever that may be, and then sit and contemplate the work or perhaps look at some other artist's work. Then I probably come back upstairs to have breakfast, a snack or do a doodle drawing. Then, back downstairs, going forth and back slowly  throughout the day, building on the slow fire - a peat fire I think – burning beneath the surface, underground, almost undetectable and above all, slowly. It doesn't mean things don't get incendiary in the studio, because they definitely do. But such a build up lately. Such a requirement to listen and to be in alignment.

When I came upstairs today, I realized I had been very aware in a new way about the rectangle, the shape of the surface I am painting on. 

3/2/14 Represented

Eight new pieces at the Grace Stairwell Gallery, two at Oregon Episcopal School in the "Land of Light and Shadow" exhibit, two at the Gallery 114 "Bio/Logic" show, and then the piece that I donated to the Cascade Aids Project Auction. Whew! Now, just need to write the artist statement for Grace. Looking forward to all of this being done. Feeling good to see all of them hanging, and the quiet space within that feels so connected when I have work out there. 

3/1/14 Onward

My art self, my brush self, knew that the church doodles were a step towards the mystery of my next show. Do I dare work on this for the next show, due Thursday? Or should I stick with the original thought? I think this is part of painting. It will all come together. 

Thinking deeply about the time to come when I will do more art, whether or not it is totally full time there will be significantly more of it. The longer I do not take that step, the less time I will have to live into that dream. I've been reaching towards this since the age of 10, when I knew I was an artist because I spent all my extra time painting and drawing - just as I do now. Then, I didn't know that it might mean something more.

There is a constant sense of giving in during the last few months. And finally being able to do so. It has always been a struggle - to follow my inner self even when it doesn't jive with how I perceive "everyone else's" direction. Those who sow with tears in the evening, reap with joy in the morning. Clarity cometh as it willeth. 


 

02/17/14 Keeping on

I'm working hard on these pieces, knowing that it's also my goal to get over to Push Dot to get a print made of a previous piece. Yet, just gotta go with my gut, without thinking, and am just staying glued to my studio. Keeping up the level of enthusiasm, freshness and inquiry is wearing for right now, and I'm thinking about the importance of taking a break. Taking off for a walk and some fresh air.

 

02/15/14 A long pose pays off

I'm so confident that this site is going to go live that I'm just going to keep writing.

A colleague on Facebook is doing a drawing a day, and invited anyone who wanted to join in. Of course, being a joiner and loving to draw, I said "sure!" I count myself proud getting in some drawing on a frequent basis, and it keeps the bar high and in my mind. I notice that when I draw, I have a sense of fulfillment, knowing that I have done some art that day, even if not something "big." Even if it isn't "good." Working plus art plus family plus gallery plus, plus, plus! Hard. But to know that even if it is a doodle, it is something.

This afternoon, for another project, I am drawing my feet. Such a sweet thing to finally have a model in my family that is willing to sit for a long pose. I love long poses – there's the time to really see what I am looking at. Thank you, feet! 

 

02/01/14 What art?

The website isn't done, but I find myself wanting to write so I'm going ahead.

The series of church doodles that I am working on has me scared to pieces. It isn't "real" art, ie I am deliberately painting in a style and with a palette that says to me "not serious," "amateur," and "childish."  Swirly paint? Tourquoise? Really? What's worse – I just have to do it anyway. I have the feeling it will lead to something else, and to deliberately manipulate the drawings so that they are "acceptable" would disrupt the process of going further. Such anxiety, and yet such pleasure and focus when working on them. Easily 3-4 hours painting daily, even at the end of the day when I'm just beat. I'm grateful for the whole thing, and in spite of the whole thing. Yeah.